The Random Parodies of LotR
by woodenrice
Summary: Random things in LotR that I make fun of from Boromir promoting tourism in Gondor to Indiana Jones storming the Council of Elrond to Legolas flouncing to crazy fangirls trying to prove that Middle Earth is a real place...
1. Promote Tourism

(A/N: My dad took me to his neighborhood picnic and since I didn't know anyone there besides my dad and his girlfriend, I decided to bring my Lord of the Rings book with me. Well, I met this mother there who saw the book and started talking with me about the movie versus the book. She said she didn't like the way they portrayed Faramir in Two Towers, then I started talking about Boromir and well, this is the result.)  
  
At the Council of Elrond in Rivendell, many believe that all Boromir really was doing was promoting tourism in Gondor as observed by various statements made by Boromir--  
  
"Everybody have a brochure? Goood, turn to page two."  
  
"We have very valiant men in Gondor, who have staged fights with the Nazgul every hour for your viewing pleasure. Snacks and drinks are provided."  
  
"Come meet the Dark Lord in person! He might even give you an autograph if he ever gets his body back or is able to possess someone. And if you give him information about the One Ring, he might even spare you your life when he conquers Middle-Earth."  
  
"Want control over a whole army of brave, valiant, Gondor men? Want to pretend you did? Well pretend no more! The makers that brought Sting, the Elvish sword that glowed whenever annoying relatives (commonly known as Orcs) neared, bring you the Horn of Gondor. Incase you couldn't bring Sting with you as a warning device, blow your own Horn of Gondor which summons an army of brave, valiant Gondor men. Sure, they should be defending their country, but we're paying them more."   
  
"We have many games and rides for your entertainment such as Battle at Osgiliath, everything is real! The blood, people dying, its the best live action ride in Middle-Earth! For those who want to test their luck can try the Break 24 Gondor Rules in an Hour game. The laws in Gondor are so far fetched and odd, why you're probably breaking one right now! You'll enter the game with other contestants with a list of rules for you break and you try to be the first to break 24 before you're attacked by Gondor's archers. It's fun for the whole family!" 


	2. Indiana and the Council of Elrond

(A/N: In the 'Making Fun of the Council of Elrond' series... While reading Lord of Rings--Fellowship, The Council of Elrond, a thought came to me. In the book, Aragorn just carries the Narsil around with him but in the movie it stays in Rivendell. In the earlier chapter, Strider, if you have an IQ above 30, you hopefully grasp that the broken sword Aragorn shows to Sam is the Narsil. Personally, I'm for the movie version where the Narsil is concerned and here's little something I thought of to explain.)  
  
Boromir ends his long speech about promoting tourism in Gondor and the strange, reoccuring dream of a midget Elf that ran away from black-cape-clad fan girls when Aragorn speaks up.  
  
'And here in the house of Elrond more shall be made clear to you,' said Aragorn, standing up. He cast his sword upon the table that stood before Elrond, and the blade was in two pieces. 'Here is the Sword that was Bro--'  
  
But before Aragorn could finish his sentence, a flash of leather zoomed past him and landed beside the table. The audience immediately realizes it is Indiana Jones, who jerks his whip away from whatever strange crevice he had looped it on to (god that line is wrong on so many different levels...). The Council stares quizically at the leather-clad man, wondering just where he came from, where he got that mighty fine jacket of his and where they could get one in Middle-Earth. He looks at the Sword then glares at Aragorn, still completely bewildered that the whip was able to stay in place as this man swung in on it.   
  
'This sword is an artifact, it should be in a museum!' shouted Indiana. Suddenly, many of the older women in the audience squeal as Indiana's father walks in on the meeting, looking about the place before coming to stand next to his son. 'Junoir, look at the architexture of this building, isn't beautiful?'   
  
'Don't call me Junoir, dad. I'm about show everyone that I'm more of rugged, outdoorsy type than this guy.'   
  
'But Junoir, look at these wonderfully crafted weapons these people are carrying.'  
  
'Dad, not now, I'm trying to tell these guys that sword should be a museum.'   
  
'Why? This place is already like a museum, the people here are some thousand years old.'  
  
  
  
'They should be in a museum!"  
  
(Another Author's Note: You see, while reading, Indiana Jones possesed me and I seriously shouted 'That sword is an artifact, it should be in a museum!'. I then broke into hysterical laughter in the restuarant I was reading in, receiving very odd looks from my mother and Nana. But I started thinking about the movie version: 'Rivendell is housing Elves which are some thousand years old, so isn't it already in a museum in the movie version? If so, would Aragorn be a visitor, a special feature in the museum that is now on tour or only on display at certain times?') 


	3. LegoLOST

(A/N: This is pretty short. Extremely actually. While reading Lord of the Rings--The Fellowship of the Ring, Chapter 6 of the 2nd book known as "Lothorien", I came across Legolas flouncing about in the Nimrodel; however, my vision of what happened was different from that of Tolkien's...)  
  
He went forward and climbed down the deep-cloven bank and stepped into the stream.  
  
'Follow me!' he cried. 'The water is not deep. Let us wade a-ACK!'   
  
Suddenly, Legolas fell into the water which was obviously deep at that part of the river that he was standing and it was, in fact, not safe to wade across. Several mintues passed and the Elf did not resurface. No one moved to rescue the Elf for the memories of Caradhas and a certain someone nancing about on top of the snow was still fresh in their minds.   
  
'Finally! we are rid of that damned elf!' said Gimli cheerfully. Aragorn looked at place where Legolas had met his tragic, watery end then glanced back at his fellow travellers.   
  
'This is why I'm the leader, not you guys.'   
  
(Another Author's Note: I do not hate Legolas, or am anti-Bloom but I simply thought it was funny if that would happen. You do realize he's a complete fruitcake in the book.) 


	4. The Thousand Ring Theory

(A/N: This is just some random thing I thought up of at the peak of my LotR obsession; I was utterly convinced this was true. I was a crazy fangirl. But don't worry, I've gotten help since then. Now I'm just slightly demented on the fangirl scale.)  
  
In the back of the chorus room, the last day of school before the very much needed winter break, three insane fans of the Lord of the Rings gather in a lopsided triangle if I've ever seen one. They, of course, being sensible people, knew that Sauron really did exist. It was pure logic.   
  
"The Ring is heavy about my neck," Noelle said, grasping her necklace. Kate nodded then realized that her One Ring of a Thousand Copies was missing. "See! There it goes again!" David looked strangely at the two, not knowing what she was talking about. The girls shook their heads.   
  
"Shall I explain?" Noelle asked. Kate nodded. "I'll add my part of the insanity once I find that damn Ring." And she pounced off to look around her book-bag. Noelle turned to David and began her account of the mysterious happenings of Kate's One Ring of a Thousand Copies. "You see, David, at first we knew these One Ring copies were just that but then we started to learn the truth. One day, her Ring had gotten away from her. She thought nothing of it at first but it continued. Finally, we realized what was happening."   
  
"What IS happening exactly?" David asked skeptically. Noelle rolled her eyes because it was quite obvious that – "The Ring is trying to get back to Sauron." At that moment Kate returned with her Ring in hand which grumbled darkly to itself in the dark speech of Mordor. "Have we gotten to my part yet? Alright. You must understand that these aren't the real One Ring" – David nodded in an obnoxious way for her to get to the point already – "BUT they are part of the One Ring."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It was melted down and put into these cheap replicas." David blinked at them. Noelle nodded.   
  
"They are all trying to get back to him."  
  
There was a silence where all this new knowledge seeped in. David was beginning to think this really was some joke and they were pulling his string.  
  
"So, where is Mordor then?"  
  
"We're not sure but ours sources say that it is somewhere close." This seemed logical. Satan usually came for the holidays, David thought, so wouldn't the Dark Lord Sauron be out and about in their hometown?  
  
"Now that you mention it, the GYM seems to be giving off a stronger aura of evil than usual."  
  
"Nah, it's not the GYM, we were thinking it was more along the lines of the new McDonald's that just opened."   
  
David was then pretty sure that his two friends had completely lost it.   
  
(Another A/N: And YES, I did think this at one point or another. And yes, this scene did happen although David actually thought it was funny.) 


	5. Monglia Theory

(A/N: Inspired by a book in B. Dalton that I saw. It had a series of maps from the very early days of Middle Earth to the present day world. Was very interesting. Sparked my fangirl interests.)

A relatively young man sat at a desk in a cubicle a government office, receiving calls from Honolulu to D.C. He had just got done talking to a man from New Mexico asking for federal funds to start an occult of alien-believing psychos. Unfortunately, he wasn't allowed to hang up the phone when the requests sounded far-fetched and really stupid because his paycheck would suffer for not being courteous. Immediately after saying good-bye to the alien-worshiping guy, he went on to the next call, grumbling darkly to himself as the other person was transferred to him. "No rest for the weary..." he muttered while adjusting his head piece. "Hello, this Andrew of the We Give Stupid People Money Bureau, how maybe I help you?"

There was a pause. Then, "Hello, I'd like to talk to you about some funding towards my exploration project."

Imagine that, calling WGSPB for funding. Go figure, he thought. Although, he had to admit that this was the most reasonable request he had heard all day. He could of swore the operator purposely was giving him all the weirdos.

There was another pause. This one being longer than the last. Finally,

"You wanted to talk to me about funding your exploration?"

"Oh yes, I nearly forgot." Must be really important then, he thought.

There was yet another pause.

"Ma'am?"

"Oops, sorry. Right, exploration. Well, I'd like funding for an exploration to Mongolia."

We're getting somewhere, he thought. This might be his chance to get these weirdos on to another continent. Yes, it's perfect. He'll grant them the funding and send them all to Mongolia but not give them enough money to get back and–

"You see, I was looking at these maps that this crazy friend of mine gave me. That bored me to death at first but then I saw that the trip might actually be worth while. It's a great cause."

The man was almost interested is this exploration of Mongolia now. What the Hell is out there that's so interesting? Fossils? Sand? More sand? Alien civilization? Elvis? I mean, come on.

Andrew began typing up information.

"Sooo, your name and your organization?"

"V. O. W. Tolkien, Crazy Fangirls United."

". . . . VOW Tolkien, ma'am?"

"Very Obsessed With Tolkien."

There was a Very Long Pause With Silence. Andrew blinked several times.

"Um, okay. I'll just. . . ignore that. . . uh, purpose for funding?"

"To go to Mongolia."

"Yes, yes, I know that but the reason for you going to Mongolia."

There was loud laugh as if the reason was very obvious. Andrew was considering upping his stress medicine dosage. A confident voice came through the receiver.

"To find the time rip in the Mongolian Desert to Middle Earth, of course!"

"What?"

"Yes! You see, those maps that my friend gave my clearly show that the Shire is actually where the Mongolian Desert is today and you know, last week I heard this noise that sounded a lot like the Horn of Gondor, so I got to thinking that maybe there's some sort of rip in time that would allow you to. . ."

Andrew secretly pictured the operator safely at her front desk laughing evilly as she prepared more weirdos to switch to his phone, but damn could she pick 'em. This entire conversation was getting wildly out of control. Time rip in Mongolia that lead to the Shire? Can we say "Loco"? He glanced over the top of his cubicle to the nearest overhead projector. Sure enough, there weren't any green leprechauns, singing or dancing or even just standing still, near it nor were there any rainbow unicorns telling him to climb on his back for they were going to Gay Land to find some really hot swans to hit on. So this really wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him or a reaction from his stress medication. Andrew hated it when the freakiest things were reality.

". . . she also said that the whole time rip thing was possible although we'd have to visit it within a year because it might have sort of moon and planets and stars align on the 12th year of this something or other–Are you still there sir?"

There was an awkward pause. Should he just pretend as if he didn't hear her and not respond, hoping she'd hang up? Or. . .

"Yes, I was just typing in all your information but if you could come here in person to verify all this with our operator it would be very much obliged. I'm going to switch you over to her now, and all I want you to do is to ask for directions here. When you come in you tell her all about your explorations." Andrew paused for a second. He grinned. "And bring your friend who showed the maps. Bye-bye now."

Andrew hung up quickly and glanced over at the clock. Looked like an early lunch time to him.

(ANOTHER A/N: Ok, yeah, you figured me out. The reason for the 'Theories' is cause I haven't read Lord of the Rings in a looooooooooong while. But just wait til the DVD extended version comes out! I will be inspired again and it will actually be funny!)


End file.
